This example shows the decisions behind a piece of copy. The proposal-review service is fictional; the sample text has not been tested with customers. Use the method on an offer you can actually deliver.
Start with the messy note
Rough note
“I help designers with proposals. We meet on Zoom for an hour. I look at their document, maybe make comments. They should feel more confident. Could talk about pricing too.”
That note has a possible service but no firm boundaries. “Feel more confident” is hard to verify, “maybe make comments” weakens the deliverable, and “pricing too” could expand the session beyond one hour. Before writing a headline, settle what the buyer receives.
Make the offer precise
For this example, the seller chooses: one 60-minute review of a draft website proposal; written annotations on the submitted draft; a prioritized list of up to five revisions. The review covers scope, deliverables, client decisions, and the next step. It does not include writing a new proposal, legal review, or a promise that the client will sign.
Those exclusions are not fine print. They protect the buyer’s expectations and make the copy easier to write.
Draft three different headlines
- Deliverable first: “Get a clearer website proposal before you send it.” This is simple, but “clearer” needs explanation below.
- Process first: “Review your website proposal in 60 minutes, then revise it with a marked-up draft.” This tells the reader what happens.
- Question first: “Can a client tell exactly what your website proposal includes?” This could work for an article, but it delays the offer on a sales page.
For the sales page, choose the process-first headline. It names the document, the time commitment, and the deliverable. The subheading can narrow the audience: “For freelance web designers with a draft ready to review. We check scope, deliverables, decision points, and the next step; you receive annotations and a short revision list.”
Build the first screen
Illustrative opening
Review your website proposal in 60 minutes, then revise it with a marked-up draft.
Bring a proposal you are preparing to send. We will review its scope, deliverables, client decisions, and next step. After the call, use the annotations and prioritized revision list to make your own final edits.
Next step: See the session scope and available times.
Notice what the opening does not say: “win more clients,” “double your fees,” or “never hear a client objection again.” Those would require evidence the example does not have.
Give the rest of the page a job
- Fit: who should book and what draft they should bring.
- Process: how the document is submitted, reviewed, and returned.
- Deliverables: the annotations and the prioritized list.
- Boundaries: what the review does not include.
- Evidence: a genuine sample annotation or permissioned example, if available.
- Decision: real price, cancellation terms, availability, and booking button.
A reader should not have to infer the price or delivery timeline from a button. If those facts are not settled, the page is not ready to sell.
Run a final copy pass
Read every sentence and ask: Is this a fact, a reasonable description, or a result I cannot support? Replace “we transform your sales process” with the actual action. Read the page on a phone. Make the call to action consistent with the next screen. Then ask someone unfamiliar with the offer to explain what they would receive.
Use the formula field guide to try a different opening. The brief kit gives you space to write the facts and compare three headlines before publishing.